If you identify as a woman, you are one.

Despite knowing this to be true, perhaps you occasionally deny that you are a woman — accidentally or because something about it strikes you as true. Perhaps the issue is even deeper, and you have come up with a list of reasons you can't be a woman: everything from "I don't pass" to "I don't act like a woman." Maybe you're reading this and don't believe that phrase is true at all, that some criterion excludes trans women from being women.

This is called internalized transphobia if it's directed at yourself, or just transphobia if it's directed at someone else.

If you have internalized transphobia, maybe it feels like quicksand you can't get out of. Maybe nothing in your environment supports the idea that you are a woman: your social media feed is full of comments about how trans women aren't women, your parents and other family members deadname and misgender you, and you're forced to boymode (or feel like you must boymode), so you never get validated as a woman and have so much dysphoria that you convince yourself you are not. It could even be that you are passing in stealth mode, and among cis women you feel like you will never fit in because the discussion about menstruation doesn't apply to you.

Regardless, most of us, if not ALL of us, have been there. I have too, recently, and I was reminded why these thoughts are all wrong. So I've decided to share this guide, if for no other reason than to remind myself of what is true, and I will keep this article pinned for reference in the future.

Gender identity

I feel like a fair number of us know and understand the concept of gender identity, but I also feel like there are many who don't, even amongst the trans community. Everyone who is trans should understand gender identity because it is core to refuting the arguments that are used against our very existence.

Gender identity is the arrow within you that points towards a specific gender. It does not require that what it points at be defined, because it is not a gender; it is an arrow. In the case of those who identify as a woman, it points to "woman" — whatever that means to you. It does not require that one define what a woman is in some objective fashion — because such a definition isn't actually possible.

There are no conclusive studies that allow us to determine gender identity by biological means. All studies that exist in regard to being trans and the brain show that there are some correlations among trans brains, but do not be fooled by this, because the complexity of what gender is to each person is so deep that finding a conclusive method to medically determine gender identity is almost certainly impossible. Furthermore, attempts to change a person's gender identity via biological means would almost certainly alter a person's fundamental consciousness (read: dangerous as hell).

You are born with your gender identity. It isn't some kind of sickness or disease or something to cure — it's who you are. It wasn't your choice. The fact that you are trans wasn't your choice. You did not make a mistake, and you did not do anything wrong. Those who don't accept you are wrong. Whether it is done out of pure ignorance or for a more malicious reason, they are still wrong.

Dysphoria and internalized transphobia

As one becomes more aware of one's own gender identity, such knowledge may form a contrast with one's own bodily perception. This misalignment is what we know as gender dysphoria, and it can make a person completely and utterly miserable if not addressed. There is only one treatment for dysphoria: transition.

The onset of dysphoria can be very fast and happen at any age. Overnight, you might suddenly want breasts and an hourglass figure, whereas prior to knowing your gender identity you had no such desire. The speed at which dysphoria develops may lead you to think that it isn't legitimate, but let me leave you assured, dear reader: you're not crazy; you just know who you are now.

Nonetheless, it is very easy for one who has such desires to invalidate themselves by stating something like "women have breasts and I don't; therefore, I am not a woman." The proper way to counter these thoughts is to reverse them: "I want breasts because I am a woman, and I just have to wait for them."

Physical attributes and passing

Gender identity simply is. It does not care about how old you are, how tall you are, how broad your shoulders are, what your sexual orientation is, what you weigh, your body type, your personality, your interests/hobbies, what you like to wear, whether or not you pass, your friends, or your family.

This means that statements like "I'm 6′5″, so I can't be a woman" are categorically false. Even if you are completely in boymode as a 6′5″ athlete who prefers men's athletic wear, only has male hobbies and male friends, and in whom no one would ever suspect anything feminine — and you identify as a woman — you are a woman.

Age and dissociation

Some people become cognizant of their gender identity when they are young; other people learn to repress it. This repression comes in the form of dissociation from your identity, meaning it is there, but you are unaware of it. Your egg-cracking moment, if you had one, was the moment that this dissociation became broken for the first time and you became aware of it.

A person can be dissociated from their gender identity for their entire life. Many factors go into when and if a person discovers it. Such a person, pre-discovery, may know that something is wrong but not know what it is, or they may be entirely oblivious to it. They will often experience no dysphoria at all and have no reason to believe they aren't cis; then, the moment their gender identity is revealed, they will begin to experience dysphoria.

People discover their gender identity at any age, even in their 70s. So, no, you aren't too old to transition. There's no time like now to be yourself.

Oftentimes, when a person discovers their gender identity for the first time, they attempt to repress it, usually by engaging in dissociative behaviors to help them forget it. Sometimes this allows them to go on for years without experiencing dysphoria or awareness of who they are, and they will take that as a refutation of the idea that they are trans. Alas, this is not how it works. If you do attempt to repress yourself, it will come back.

A refutation of TERF ideology

Needless to say, a majority of those who identify as trans women would gladly press a button to have a cis woman's body, complete with menstruation and all of its other hells. This is because, as we've worked on establishing, biology has nothing to do with gender identity. And if your argument to this is "well, it originates in the brain," see what I said above. We don't know that it does because we don't know where consciousness originates from. Admittedly, it is a hot area of study, but we don't have the answers to conclude that there is any biological origin whatsoever for gender identity. It is who you are.

Nonetheless, there are women out there who will tell you that you aren't a woman because you don't have ovaries, you don't menstruate, you can't have children, you weren't called a girl when you sat in Miss Deborah's 1st-grade class, you have no idea what women have gone through... The list goes on. These are TERFs, and they think they can define what a woman is based upon some combination of biology and lived experiences.

Many cis women have hysterectomies and have some or all of their female biology removed. Society still considers them women. If you put a passing trans woman and a cis woman side by side, an a priori observer cannot tell the difference. Considering that trans women make up ~1% of all women, you certainly pass them on the street all the time and don't even realize it, just as you don't recognize cis women who've had a hysterectomy. And just as much as you wouldn't ask a cis woman if she's had a hysterectomy, it is inappropriate to ask a trans woman if she is trans. In this way, it is possible to categorically see that they are both women.

Neither does your lived experience define you. There are cis women who are raised to be more boyish and who prefer to hang with boys as a result. Does this somehow invalidate their womanhood? Chances are, Miss Deborah calling you a boy's name when your gender identity was pointed at "woman" either made you feel uncomfortable or somehow added to the puzzle that you didn't fit. Perhaps, like me, you found making friends and eventually dating to be nearly impossible because boys didn't make sense to you at all. Or maybe you hung out with girls and had parents or teachers try to stop you. Or maybe you had friends who were boys/guys, but it was the result of you completely faking it to make it. Regardless, your experience was likely psychologically harmful to you somehow — even if you don't realize it — because you really were a little girl sitting in that 1st-grade class, and nobody was there to meet your needs as a girl.

Nonetheless, TERFs have the audacity to say that your experience as a girl was invalid because nobody knew you were a girl. They'll claim that because you were socialized as a man and treated as a man, you couldn't possibly know what being a woman was like, and because you didn't have that experience, you can't be a woman. Then, hypocritically, they will deny that the same logic could possibly apply to cis women who were raised to be like boys (something that is more common when survival demands it, such as on farms). Of course, as we've established by now, how someone is treated means nothing in terms of gender. To use myself as an example, I simply didn't understand when people told me how to "act like a man" because I was (unwittingly) observing the women in my life and copying their mannerisms by default. At least some of whatever cis men got as a privilege, I did not get, because I was always too worried about how my actions would affect others, especially women.

To repeat myself... gender identity simply is. Biology, external treatment, and lived experiences do not matter.

You are who you are, and nobody else gets to define it

Thus, we conclude:

  • Nobody can tell you how that arrow for gender identity is pointed in your brain but you. Nobody can tell you if you are trans but you.
  • Nobody and nothing physical defines your gender.
  • You are the gender you identify as.
  • You get to represent yourself as a woman however you damn well please.
  • People should use the name and pronouns you ask them to — no questions asked — regardless of whether or not you pass, whether you boymode, or what you look like.

YOU ARE VALID

Period.